“Love recognizes no barriers.  It jumps hurdles, leaps fences,

penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” – Maya Angelou

If you’ve been married for some time and have children, it can be especially challenging to carve out quality time for you and your spouse. Those intimate candlelight dinners you used to effortlessly plan and enjoy are far and few. Let’s face it, we love our children, but they have a way of taking over our lives.  After the carpools, play dates (It’s called hangouts if your child{ren} are age 8 and over.), music lessons, dance class, games, homework, school functions, and all that comes with running a household, at the end of the day, you’re most likely running on empty. You only have enough energy to crawl into bed, to refuel, so you can begin again the next day. And, so you do just that. BUT, then you might feel a tug at your pillow, a kiss on your neck, a pull at the bedsheets, or a fondle of your ass. Soon your husband, snuggling closer, whispers in your ear “Let’s make love.”  In turn, you mumble “Baby, I’m tired. I’m so exhausted.”  Turning over, you say “Tomorrow.” All, too often tomorrow never comes and the intimacy you once shared, as well as your sex life is reduced to a once a week romp or maybe a monthly sex meet. Deep sigh…

This scene is often played out in many marriages. For many married couples, this is what married life has become. When you and your spouse were dating, you enjoyed many impromptu intimate moments together. You didn’t have to necessarily schedule your dates or your sex life. Those were the days when your relationship was filled with seximacy. One minute you’re sitting across the dinner table from each other. The next minute you’re gently reaching across the table to caress each other’s hands; quietly slipping your shoe off to secretly rub the small of his leg with your foot under the dinner table. Feeding each other bites of food while undressing him with your eyes was the ultimate invitation. Nothing else needed to be said, but “Check please.”  No dinner.  Nothing. You lost your appetite. At least for the food you have.

Fast forward to married life. Your seximacy, the interaction that can increase sex and intimacy in a marriage can be as rare as finding a needle in a haystack. But, you and your spouse can have it again. It’s not going to be easy, because as a married couple you now have a lot more demands on your time.  Being intentional and with some planning, you can breathe life into your marriage. Below are some tips for getting started.

  • Agree on a love night (or two) for starters.  Show each other seximacy leading up to those love night(s). Think of it as marinating your love.
  • Seximacy ideas include making eye contact.  Remember the eyes are the window to the soul. Write notes of anticipation, i.e., “I can’t wait for our night together.” “I’m going to rock your world.” “You still look hot.”  “Just ____ more days!”  You can text the notes or leave them in your spouse’s lunchbox.
  • Other seximacy ideas include having a treasure hunt. Hide the lingerie you’re going to wear, putting each piece in a different place. Better yet, buy her lingerie. Buy him some sexy underwear.
  • Cuddle on the couch while watching a movie, a favourite sitcom, or other TV program.
  • Cook dinner together. No time to cook dinner together? How about preparing an appetizer together? Here is a link to some quick and easy appetizer recipes.
  • Give your spouse a massage. Try using some essential oils as you work your magic!
  • Arrive home early before the kids. This is a great time to sneak in some quality time.
  • Surprise you spouse by bringing him or her  lunch to work or if you can’t bring lunch, order it to be delivered.
  • This one’s simple. Ask “How was your day?”
  • Candles. They can change the mood of any place. Be sure to put some in your bedroom and on the dinner table.
  • This one requires a bit more discipline, but if you can establish bedtime routines for your kids, the first of which should be a consistent time for ‘lights out,” you’ll have more uninterrupted time with your spouse.
  • The old reliable date night. You have many options here. Hire a babysitter. College students, family, or responsible teens of friends are all good choices.  Some PTAs have Friday night movie night. You can drop you kids off to school to watch a movie for a free. Usually they have a concession where kids can buy snacks. If your child’s school does not have a movie night, you might want to suggest it. It’s a great PTA fundraiser and provides an opportunity for couples to escape.
  • Pillow talk. Sit down together and create a list of topics you want to discuss during the week. There’s two exceptions. You can’t talk about the kids or money. Write each topic on a slip of paper. Put the slips of paper in a container.  Each night, pick a slip from the container. Lights out. Heads on the pillows! Time to talk.
  • Hug often and for no reason!
  • Remember the song you walked down the aisle to.  Dance to it often.
  • Share common goals for your marriage by creating a vision board. This board should contain images of what you both envision, hope, and dream for your marriage. Start with a large picture frame and poster that can be sized to fit the frame. Gather magazines that contain content of interest to you both. For example. If you want to renovate your kitchen, use home improvement magazines. Cut pictures out.  Once you have all the pictures that represent your common vision, glue them on the board. Your board will look like a collage.  Let dry and afterwards slide the poster into the back of the frame. It’s ready to hang in a prominent place in your home.
  • Cuddle in bed.  Spooning is a great way to fit as tight as a glove with your spouse.
  • Finally, if you and your spouse share a common faith or spiritually, pray together. Pray for your relationship and your family.  There’s a saying: “A family that prays together, stays together.”

These are just a few ways to breathe life into your marriage.  I bet you could come up with many more ideas. Share your ideas in the comments. Don’t overthink it too much. Have fun. Be creative. Feel the love.




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